Adjust to Parental Divorce

For many people , the divorce of their parents' marked a turning point in their lives, whether the divorce happened many years ago or is now in progress.

About half of marriages in the United States today end in divorce, so many children and teenagers go through this. But when it happens to you, you can feel very alone and not sure what it all means.

This may seem harsh, but it is possible to cope with divorce - and have a good family life, although some of divorce can bring about change.

Why my Parents Divorce?

Parents divorce for many reasons. Usually divorce happens when couples feel they can no longer live together due to fighting and anger, or because of the love they had when they married has changed. Divorce can also be because one of their parents fell in love with someone else, and sometimes it is due to a serious problem like drinking, abuse, or gambling. Sometimes there is nothing bad happens, but parents just decided to live apart.

Did you know it's really common for teens to think that their parents' divorce is somehow their fault? Just try to remember that a parent's decision to part related to the problems between them, and not because of something that might have been done or not done.

Some children feel guilty about what happened, or wished they had prevented arguments by cooperating more in the family, doing better with their behavior, or get better grades. But separation and divorce is the result of the problems the couple to each other, not with their children. Adults make decisions about their own divorce.

If your parents get divorced, you may experience feelings of many. Your emotions may change frequently as well. You may feel stressed, angry, frustrated, or sad. You might feel protective of one parent or blame one for this situation. You may feel left out, scared, worried, or guilty. You also may feel relieved, especially if there have been a lot of tension or fighting at home. This feeling is very distinctive and talked about them with a friend, family member, or trusted adult can really help.

How Will Divorce Change My Life?

Depending on what happens in your family, you may have to adjust to many changes. This can include things like moving, changing schools, spending time with both parents separately, and may deal with unpleasant feelings of parents about each other.

Your parents may go to court to determine custody arrangements. You could end up living with one parent most of the time and visit the other, or your parents can share their time with you evenly. At first, it means you may need to be flexible and may have more hassle to deal with for a while.

Some teens have to travel between the parents, and that may create challenges both socially and practically. Over time you can find a new routine that works for you all. Often, it takes time to managing prisoners who will be resolved. This can give people time to adapt to big changes and let families figure out what works best.

Money can change things for your parents as well. Parents who do not work during the marriage may need to find a job to pay the rent or mortgage. This may be something parents happy, but she also may feel nervous or pressured about finances. There are also costs associated with divorce, the attorneys 'fees' for the cost of moving to a new place to live.

Your family may not be able to afford all the things that used to before the divorce. This is one of the difficult changes often associated with divorce. There can be good changes too - but how do you cope with stress changes depending on your situation, your personality, and your support network.

What Parents and Teens Can Do to Make It Easy

Keeping the peace. Dealing with divorce is easiest when parents get along. Teenagers find it very difficult when their parents fight and argue or act with bitterness toward each other. You can not do much to influence how your parents behave during a divorce, but you can ask them to do their best to call a cease-fire to every thing good fight or not they might say about each other.

No matter what problems may face the couple, as parents they have to deal with visiting arrangements peacefully to minimize the stress their children may feel. Letting your parents know that even though you know everyone is super-stressed, you do not want to get stuck in the middle.

Fair. Most teens say it's important that parents do not try to get them to "take sides." You should feel free to hang out with and talk to each of your parents without the other parent acting jealous, hurt, or mad. It's not fair for anyone to feel that talking with one of the parents were not faithful to the other or that one parent is happiness burden on your shoulders.

When parents find it difficult to let go of bitterness or anger, or if they are depressed about the changes brought by divorce, they can seek help from a counselor or therapist. This can help parents get past the pain divorce may have been made, to find personal happiness, and to lift all the burdens of their children. Children and adolescents also can benefit from seeing a family therapist or someone who specializes in helping them get through a stressful family breakup. This may feel strange at first to speak with someone you do not know about personal feelings, but can be very helpful to hear about how other teens in your situation have been tried.

Stay in touch. Go back and forth between two homes can be difficult, especially if the parents live far apart. This can be a good idea to keep in touch with parents, you see less often because of the distance. Even a quick email to say "I'm thinking of you" helps ease the feeling of missing each other. Make an effort to keep in touch when you separate the two of you can keep up to date on daily activities and ideas.

Worked out. You may want both parents to come to special events, such as games, meet, play, or recital. But sometimes parents may feel awkward to be present when others were present. It helps if parents can find ways to make this work, mainly because you may have to feel the support and the presence of both parents even more during divorce. You may be able to come up with an idea for a compromise or solution to this problem and recommend to both parents.

Talking about the future. Many adolescents whose parents divorce are worried that their own plans for the future may be affected. There is concern that the cost of divorce (like legal fees and expenses of two households) might mean there will be less money for college or anything else.

Pick a good time to notify parents about your concerns - when there is enough time to sit down with one or both parents to discuss how the divorce will affect you. Do not worry about placing added stress to your parents, just try to choose the right time to talk when everyone was quiet. It is better to bring your problems into the open than to keep them for yourself and let worries or resentment build. There are solutions to most problems and advisors and counselors who can help adolescents and their parents find those solutions.

Discover your strengths. How do you cope with stress? Are you angry and took it out on relatives, friends, or yourself? Or are you someone who is more than a pleaser who puts others first? Do you tend to avoid conflict at all and just hope that problems will magically disappear?

A life-changing event like divorce can put people through some tough times, but also to help them learn about their strengths, and put some new coping skills. For example, how can you cope if one parent bad-mouth the other? Sometimes staying quiet until the anger has subsided and then discussing quietly with mom or dad can help. You may want to tell them that you have the right to love both your parents, no matter what they do to one another.

If you need help with your strengths or how to cope - like from a favorite aunt or from your school counselor - ask for it! And if you find it difficult to deal with your parents, they try to write a letter. Figure out what works for you.

Live your life. Sometimes during a divorce, parents may be so caught up in their own change can feel like your life is on hold. In addition to stay focused on your own plans and dreams, make sure you participate in a lot of your normal activities as possible. When things change at home, it really helps to keep a few things, such as school activities and friends, the same.

If things are too loud at home, see if you can stay with a friend or relative until things calm. Take care of yourself by eating right and exercising regularly - two great stress busters! Figure out what matters to you - spending time with friends, working hard at school, write or draw, or be great in basketball. Finding your inner strength and focus on your own goals can actually help lower your stress level.

Let others support you. Talk about your feelings and reactions to divorce with someone you trust. If you are feeling down or upset, let your friends and family members support you. These feelings usually pass. If they do not, and if you feel depressed or stressed, or if it is difficult to concentrate on normal activities, let a counselor or therapist to help you. Your parents, school counselors, or doctors or other health professional can help you find one.

Many communities and schools have support groups for children and adolescents whose parents have divorced. It really helps to talk to other people your age are going through similar experiences.

Bringing Out the Positive

There will be ups and downs in the process, but teens can cope successfully with their parents divorce and the changes it brings. You may even discover some unexpected positives. Many teens find their parents actually happier after divorce or they may develop new ways and better to deal with both parents when they have separate time with each.

Some teens learn compassion and caring skills when a younger brother or sister in need of support and care. Relatives closer in age to form a tight bond, learn to rely on each other more because they face challenges their parents' divorce together.

Overcome either by divorce also can bring strength and maturity. Some become more responsible, better problem solvers, better listeners, or better friend. Looking back on the experience, many people say they learn coping skills they did not know they have and feel stronger and more resilient as a result of what they went through.

Many films have been made about divorce and step families - some with happy endings, some do not. That in real life too. But most teens who are undergoing divorce learn (sometimes to their surprise) that they can make it through this difficult situation successfully.

Giving time, letting others support you along the way, and keep your eye on the good things in your life can make all the difference.